Left 4 Dead…fanfiction?! (Don’t judge me)

Wrote this a while back on Facebook's Notes application. No, I didn’t tag anyone. But yeah, humour me for a few minutes. Part 1 of 2.

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The room is black. Dim naked lights overhead flicker on and off. A cold breeze from a cracked window wafts in bringing the dead scent into the damp air of the shed. Someone coughs.

"Are they out there?" Louis speaks softly, almost a whisper, as not to wake what awaits them outside.

"What do you think?" Francis picks up a molotov and hangs it on his belt. 'Let's get this show on the road.'

"Hold on." Bill raises his hand wearily.

"What is it?" Zoey peers out from the small front window, only to see darkness and the darkness that smothers it.

"I hear it. A Boomer."

Francis joins Zoey at the window. A faint rumbling sound. Sloshing of bile and vomit. A gurgling and grumbling draws nearer.

"Fuck."

"Shit, what the hell are we still doing here then? The next safe room's only down the road!" Louis buries his head into his arms, clutching his rifle close to him. "Shit, shit, shit!"

The rumbling gets closer. The lights flicker. The breath of the four is the only sound for a brief moment.

A sudden jolt catches them off-gaurd. They crouch and look upwards. A light bursts.

"What the FUCK was that?" Louis raises his rifle towards the roof of the shed. A growling dominates the air. Soft pounds as whatever is above them stalks and waits. Bill's hand on Louis' shoulder eases his anxiety.

"Hold on, Louis. It's waiting for one of us to peek out."

"No, man. This is fucked. Just shoot it through the—"

"NO! You idiot! You wanna wake up half of them from the treeline?" Zoey points angrily towards the dark window. Faint movement past the other side of the road. A shambling of feet. The growling above them grows. The soft pounds stop. Grumbling in the distance.

"Well, what the hell do we do?!"

"Lure em'. One of us goes out, draws em' in, and three of us waste the assholes and then run."

"I assume you're the bait then, Francis?"

"Ah, these pussies? I can take em'."

The four glare at each other. The grumbling and growling seems to eminate from all sides, filling the air. Louis draws his sleeve and wipes sweat from his head.

"Ready?" Zoey sticks the barrel of the rifle through the small window. Bill grabs the door with cold, dry, trembling hands.

"From what I can tell, Boomer's hiding in the trees. That bastard above us is gonna come fast, hit you hard and knock you off your feet. Stay close to the door. Zoey'll get a shot off, and get the hell up fast before the Boomer knows what we're doing."

Francis gives a stern nod. Bill turns the knob at a painfully slow pace. Zoey keeps her sights at the empty road. Louis watches the roof. No more pounds. Just the haunting of growls and ambience of grumbling in the distance.

The door edges open. Francis rushes out.

"Hey, you motherfucker! Yeah, that's right! Fuckin' sneaky piece of shi--AH FUCK!'

A tongue shoots out of nowhere. Wrapping around. Fast as a snake. Francis starts dragging across the ground. "FUCKING HELP!"

"I'm too old for this shit!" Bill storms outside. "COVER ME!" The bullets start flying.

The horde come out. The grumbling gets louder. The growls grow stronger. The fight begins.

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I’m gonna go play some L4D now. Part 2 coming soon.

PUNY BABIES.

lol, you thought this was a post about TF2.

Oh wait.

Shit.

!NEW UPDATE! (You're damn right I put an exclamation mark in front. Suck it.)

…and the biggest news is of course--

Super-sayan? Ubercharged? Slightly angry? You decide.

Whatever it is, it’s fucking awesome. (I <3 U VALVe)

Hey dude. Professional writer here. Step aside.

See: My stint with Professional (HA!) Writing from August to truly grasp the ironic awesomeness of this new development.

Found this in my Gmail thirty minutes ago:

“As we move forward, we like to pay you a token fee for your reviews from now on. We'll pay you $5 for any of your classic reviews ($10 for new reviews coming to the cinema that you might of seen in a pre-screening at least 48 hours in advance of its opening). This is just a small fee, but we hope you understand that as our site grows, so will the money. Right now we believe in you and thought that this gesture would help in you understanding that.”

Sweet.

“After $100 of reviews is added up we'll either send you a check or just transfer you the money in a quick PayPal exchange (we prefer this method).”

What does this mean?

Means I’m pro.

Yeah. Now you can bow down to me.

PS. Thank you WILDsound for graciously giving me this opportunity to be as awesome as you guys are.

Aurally Audacious Endeavours: Nero’s Day at Disneyland

A lot of the time, we encounter music or musicians that make us physically blurt out, ‘What the fuck?’ Whether it be the emergence of crab-core, jerking, screamo-punk, or something less…outlandish, the tendency to wonder what the hell you just experienced is commonplace now with the intarwebz surging through our computers faster and faster by the day.

‘WTF’ music has no concrete definition, nor should it. It can range to everything from insane genre-melding or incorporating beats or lyrics you never thought possible to incorporate. A perfect example would be the works of a man who retunes everything I knew about electronic music. He is insane.

Combining breakcore elements, experimental madness and sick IDM usage with samplings of God-knows-what, Nero’s Day at Disneyland does not fuck around.

He gave me the biggest ‘WTF’ ever, and not in the bad way. Far from it.

http://www.myspace.com/nerosdayatdisneland

Check out his EP Grievances and Dead Malls and his latest album, From Rotting Fantasylands.

You cannot define this man. If you try, your brain will explode.

Quality tumbling’s.

‘I should also inform you that I don’t care for intelligence in blogs. People who clutter their posts with their opinions, that are over written, appear pretentious, and I don’t want to be ‘that guy’. Great, your smart, so am I. Were all adults here, we can form our own opinions.’

This man hates me.

So do I. Read his ramblings. They’re good for the soul.

http://iwannablogtoo.tumblr.com/

Choose Your Own Adventure. Hilarity Ensues.

You know those ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ books? Sort of like interactive novels where you can choose where the story takes you? Yes? Then skip everything below this neatly dotted line.

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If you don’t know what I’m talking about,

WELL NOW YOU CAN EXPERIENCE WHAT YOU NEVER EXPERIENCED IN A WHOLE NEW EXCITING WAY!

For those unfamiliar, usually you have a book where the reading stops at some points and you have a multiple choice question to answer.

Say, like this:

You’re walking down the street to an ice cream parlour your friend recommended to you last week. Strange how you remembered such a note, as you seem to keep forgetting to feed your starving budgie and cleaning up your bathroom. You shrug off those thoughts and continue down the street towards the bright, swirling white sign shaped like soft-serve.

Once you get in there, your shoulders seem to sulk at spotting three leather-wearing, ripped-jean sporting, pierced faced punks devouring several ice cream cones at once. You give a slight stare until they notice, and head to the counter. Will you:

1) Order a medium cone of vanilla soft-serve? Go to pg. 20

2) Ask the three punks to share a seat with them and discuss the how they’re recovering financially from the recession? Go to pg. 78

3) Turn around swiftly, pull out your halberd, and slaughter the scumbags of society that are seated directly behind you? Go to Prison

…yeah. Pretty much along those lines.

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Anyways, once you find that kind of stuff boring, there’s really nowhere to go from there. No more adventures. Well guess what, folks? We’re in luck.

It’s ‘Choose You’re Own Adventure: IRL!’

http://www.mortonslist.com/2008/What_Is_ML/What_Is_ML.html

Well, what are you waiting for? GET THAT BOULDER ROLLING.

Aurally Audacious Endeavours: The Nextdoor Neighbors

Maybe a slight exaggeration of my sifting through links, clicks, and MySpace pages for the lesser-known musical talent that spills onto the Internet every so often.

Exaggeration or not, Aurally Audacious Endeavours covers the obscure, odd and original music that you may find yourself stepping over without a second thought. Give them a little love, and your ears will receive the same.

First on the docket, we have The Nextdoor Neighbors. Two friends. Two keyboards. Lo-fi folktronic at its best. Electro-folk-hop may be the next big thing.

Their album Magic Vs. The Machine is available at Bicycle Records.

Thanks to electrorash.com for their grabbing of this awesome duo.

Check those guys out at: http://electrorash.com/

10 Reasons Why You Should Watch…

dir. Neill Blomkamp

Starring Sharlto Copley, Robert Hobbs, Jason Cope

Ushering in a new era of sci-fi alien invasion cinema. The little movie that could. Tripling its budget in a mere weeks of opening, you damn well know what District 9 is. If you don’t, get reading. These are ten reasons why you should watch the best sci-fi of 2009 (so far).

10. It’s not Hollywood. So it can’t be shit to begin with anyways.

9. Peter Jackson & Neil Blomkamp. Producer & Director. Mentor & Protégé. Only one may be recognizable, but both represent quality filmmaking. Everything Peter Jackson touches seems to get famous. Neil Blomkamp’s babies will probably be computer-generated in some form or another.

8. Computer Generated Imagery. You’ll have trouble telling out the fake from the real. Hovering alien motherships, laser beams and appendages of all sorts. Real or CGI, it looks awesome.

7. Computer Generated Aliens. No, these aren’t real, but I wish they were. Their eyes are big and their claws are lobster-y. Their kids look freakishly adorable. ET meets The Fly meets…Monsters Inc.?

6. South African accents. ‘FOOK!’

5. Sharlto Copley. Pfff, who needs A-list actors? Just look at the guy.

What a stud.

4. Alien-powered biomechanical battle suits. With a gravity gun attachment.

3. People vaporizing into little bits. Pew pew! Pop!

2. Interspecies bromance. Not the prostitution, surprisingly. You can’t get more bromantic than a South African and an alien refugee laying waste to corrupt government headquarters. Shit gets real.

1. It’s not hard to understand, yet it’s still intelligent. Amidst all this vaporization of people and metamorphosis (what spoilers?), it doesn’t take a sociology professor to figure out what this film is about. Power to the Prawns, before they kill us all.

If you’re not convinced yet, I’m worried. You must see this film. Or else you will be spat at on the street and dumped in garbage cans! For your safety alone, watch it! NAO, before they tear you apart!

Tron + Daft Punk = COOL

Hmm, apparently this picked up about a month ago. So this is obligatory.

But without further adieu, the new theme song for the upcoming movie Tron: Legacy.

Whose soundtrack is scored by Daft Punk.

Awesome, you say? I agree.

Release date slated for December 17th, 2010. Don't miss it.

Movie Reviews from August

When I said I’d post Dawn of the Dead ‘in a while’ I probably should have been more specific. Who the hell cares. No one reads these anyways. Don’t judge me.

Dawn of the Dead (1978)

Falling Down (1993)

Interstella 5555: The 5tory of the 5ecret 5tar 5ystem (2003)

The Girl Who Leapt Through Time (2006)

Once (2007)

In Bruges (2008)

The Boys: The Sherman Brothers’ Story (2009)

I think I’m starting to figure it out. Humanity is a very brutal and violent species. I wonder if the right mind could change a whole lot with this rotting world. I can see the strings that control the system. I can see it all.

But whatever. No one reads this. If you are, then please read these reviews. I need the publicity.