Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Actually, my blog talks about zombies a lot.

So why stop now?image

A little while ago, in the vague and fuzzy memory of this year’s E3, Valve pulled a fast one on us leetle and puny fans. They announced Left 4 Dead 2 to be released almost exactly a year after the original. Surprised, shocked, doubtful, appalled; the fans expressed all these emotions after learning of this fascinating new news.

Then the boycott started, and it all went to shit. No, the fans were not happy that one of PC gaming’s most revolutionary and loved zombie-themed shooters was getting an early sequel. ‘No!’ they said, ‘we don’t want a sequel! We want more of Left 4 Dead! Give me maps! Give me weapons! Give me game modes!’ So we wept as puny, leetle fans, and Valve could do nothing but cackle at our sorrow and bask in bathtubs of gold from their undeserved fortunes made off of a few PC games.

‘DLC!’ we cried, ‘Down with the system! It’s our God-given right!’ Us PC Gamers really are a spoiled bunch. It seems to me that we just want to see the bad side of things. We’re never pleased. We’re just a bunch of lazy, anti-social elitists who want nothing more than to be aggravated at everything because being happy is something we’ve stopped enjoying a long time ago.

But now, I’m happy again. And I’ll tell you why.

Because of this:


…and this:


…and especially this:


So guess what? I am going to pay $50 for this game. You know why? Because I just played the demo, and from the looks of it, I’d say it ranks somewhere between completely fucking awesome and a god damn once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Let me inform you of why it deserves to be bought and kept close to your heart for eternity. The moment I load up the game the whole feeling of it is different from the original Left 4 Dead. This is due to the modified soundtrack, adaptable weather settings, new characters and the sort. Not DLC material. DLC should keep the same feeling of the game. This is another feeling, or atmosphere, or whatever you call it; it deserves its own game.

Not convinced? Alright, I’ll be frank. The only reason I wanted this game was the new gore effects. And guess what? They’re fucking sick. You shoot the crotch, the crotch obliterates into little bits. You shoot the neck, blood flies everywhere and the poor zombie’s throat is missing. Shoot the stomach and all that viscera is pleasantly displayed. Throw a pipe bomb, wait a view seconds, and then witness godly zombie-exploding goodness.

Still not convinced? How bout some weapons? Which one are you privy to? Want to go back to classics? Then there’s your original L4D weapons: pump-action, auto shotty, M-16, Hunting rifle, Uzi, and don’t forget your trusty sidearms, the M1911 and Glock. Bit boring for your taste? Don’t worry. There’s always the main differentiating factor between L4D1 and L4D2 to humour you. Here’s some pots, axes, baseball imagebats, guitars, batons, machetes and other bludgeoning/slicing weapons to get all that boiled up hate against Valve released onto willing zombified participants. Oh, you like big guns? Well, there’s always mounted machine guns, grenade launchers, AK-47’s, a fucking Desert Eagle, and the enjoyment incendiary ammo to complement it.

Look how big that paragraph is. Do you think that’d fit into L4D1 DLC? Smarten up. DLC shouldn’t introduce features in a game that would end up being almost as large, as large, or larger than the original game. Same mechanics, same gameplay style, but c’mon, really?

For the infinitesimal amount of people that actually fall under the category of L4D2 boycotter or critic who actually reads my blog, this should convince you. Otherwise I’m just rambling on about how fucking awesome the demo of Left 4 Dead 2 that I just played was, and plan to play again shortly.

Left 4 Dead 2 officially releases November 17th. Pre-order on Steam or in-store and you get a free in-game baseball bat to abuse zombies with.

If you’re any kind of respectable zombie-killer, this is a no-brainer.

Hell yes, pun intended.


  1. It's awesome but they need to hammer out a few things like dropping pistols etc.

  2. Oh, clearly the boycotters complaints are invalid in light of such groundbreaking improvements like desert eagles and AK-47s, which have obviously never been in any game ever and are totally original and unique ideas.

    I mean, how can I possibly argue with such eloquent prose. L4D2 is going to be like totally fucking awesome bro, shit gets blowed up and there's even a fucking DESERT EAGLE.

    Thank you for this blog post, it was as immersed in insight and validity as this comment is in sarcasm.


  4. wait, you're not buying the game?

    that's a shame. i wanted to visit you in-game and show you my DESERT EAGLE.

  5. Of course I'm not buying the game. If Valve had released the fucking SDK before announcing a sequel we could've got all the OMG DEAGLES and OMG CHAINSAWS we want for free.

    But no, everyone's throwing their pocketbooks at Valve and going gaga over stupid, inconsequential shit like desert eagles, AKs, and chainsaws, all totally original ideas that have never seen a video game...

    Incidentally, I do actually own a Mk.XIX in .44 Mag. It may be a jam-o-matic and impractical as hell, but it's accurate and fun. Still kind of a stupid pistol.

    The plebs can enjoy their $50 gore effects and southern accents, I'm going to enjoy games that aren't blatant cash grabs.