Orphan (2009) - Review

Indeed there is.

dir. Jaume Collet-Serra

Starring Vera Farmiga, Peter Sarsgaard, Isabelle Fuhrman

Demon children. They are everywhere. Every time you’re at the ice cream parlour and that kid orders three extra scoops and you have to wait half a minute longer; he’s cackling inside, even with that innocent face. Siphoning out his mother’s money. Making the ice cream scooper take particularly long to grasp the frozen cream from the ice-cold bucket. Why do they exist? Are they the offspring of Anti-Christ? Does a secret society of super-intelligent children plan to take over the world? What is the meaning behind all the demon children?

Why, that would be shitty horror.

Orphan is the next in line for the “demon children” phenomenon to hit the big screens today. Now, given the cult status and downright poop-your-pants experience Children of the Corn was, this is quite the disappointment. Films like CotC and The Omen really scare your socks off and may make you look at your siblings (or even children if you’ve got issues) differently. Ever since however, demon children have taken a backseat to more graphic, campy, instinctual horror. Orphan does take the concept and add a little twist to it though. Yes, that’s right. She’s a demon ORPHAN. As the film expresses blatantly, what could be more terrifying than a demon child YOU DIDN’T EVEN SPAWN?!

I could actually point out two or three instances that made me shift in my seat more than the idea of demon orphans running around tearing up the city. One of those instances could be the scene where the orphan makes several sexual advances towards the main character’s drunken, traumatized, and confused husband, all in provocative makeup and attire. Just think, twelve-year olds in tight black dresses and cherry lipstick, running around everywhere sexually harassing male passer-bys. God, the horror.

Apart from that terrible, revolting image that comes to mind, not much else in this film makes me overtly uncomfortable in the bowels. However, this film does make me gag on my recently consumed stale gravy fries multiple times. Such as the pounding in of horror clichés straight into my brain, or the idiocy one must develop in order to become the victim of a serial killer/maniac/madman/suspicious orphan. Despite this, Orphan does have its rare moments that may make you jump in your seat, but making an adorable child into a crazed, sex-deprived serial killer will raise eyebrows more than create screams.

Christianity has a new, eviler foe.

Possibly the only fear I experienced while watching this film was during the scene when the orphan, Esther (Isabelle Fuhrman), goes into a rampage of anger against a bathroom stall. No, not because it’s scary, but because I would be terrified if I was in the stall beside her. It’s possibly a compliment to Fuhrman, whose performance was actually quite impressive. Peter Sarsgaard plays the dimwit father, who you can’t help but like because it’s Peter Sarsgaard, and Vera Farmiga plays the ill-treated mother who finds out everyone in the world hates her. Along with the two less than likeable children, you have one big happy family. At times however, I congratulated Esther in her efforts, as a happy family is much worse off than a smart family, the events occurring throughout proving this theory. While I doubted Esther’s capabilities at such a young age, including loading and unloading a revolver, being a ninja, and knowing of the benefits and emasculative interrogation, I can’t help but to awe at her meticulous plan to destroy this mother’s life. Did I feel sorry for her? Absolutely not, because protagonists in horror movies are usually dumb, this film being no exception.

The difference between this horror film and others I’ve seen is rather hard to distinguish. This could possibly be because there is none. It is a generic, formulaic, shallow and dislikeable movie. Apart from the appearance of scantily clad college girls running and screaming every which way, it’s a normal horror movie, much to my regret of saying this. Though scantily clad college girls could possibly propel this film into the spotlight, but I hardly think it will give this film any outstanding merit. However, there is a big plot twist—I’ll say it now—that may make your brain hurt or enrage you at its inclusion. Come to think of it, it’s not really a plot twist, but rather an explanation that complements her super-skills and comical intuitiveness. She out-leagues everyone in the film, and it makes me laugh. I cheered for her victory near the end mainly because I just found myself hating everyone else. I won’t spoil it though, as I would pound my keyboard into little bits if I was forced to write it. It is an interesting plot twist however, and I would even go as far to say worth the watch. The one thing horror movies are sure to give you are closure, because someone, or something, or some group has to die at the end. That’s why there are sequels.

Orphan does a fine job at being a decent horror film, despite all its inadequacies. There are more than enough elements of this film to bash and deconstruct into lazy filmmaking, however there is no point in it, because horror has become lazy filmmaking. No one seems to care anymore and society is perfectly fine with being spoon-fed cheap scares and empty plots. It’s mainstream and acceptable, and therefore this film is as well. Orphan deserves the benefit of the doubt, because frankly, it’s a refreshing experience from all the junk that horror seems to poop out. Go see it if you feel like a horror movie, or don’t see it if you don’t want to. No one, including me, cares anymore.