A response in response to a response.

Hey. Yeah, you. HEY. YES, I'M TALKING TO YOU.

Do you know what you're doing? No? Well, guess what?

GO TO THIS MAN'S WEBSITE. Am I not loud enough?

GO TO THIS MAN'S WEBSITE, GOD DAMN IT!

This music is bad and you should feel bad.

Your music sucks. No, seriously. It really does. The music you choose to listen to doesn’t reflect an intellectual thought process. Your choice in music proves to me that you have no grasp of musical appreciation and that your tastes are that of a deaf caveman. In fact, you have no right to listen to music at all. You’re not allowed to listen to music, now that I’ve heard your horrid likings. You are what makes the music industry keep producing this shit. You are why we can’t have nice things.

Suddenly, a giant pelican with a wingspan greater than Jesus’ crucified arms swoops down and picks me up, flies me to Mt. Kilimanjaro, which subsequently triggers and volcanic eruption. This divine pelican drops me into the white-hot lava below, leaving me and burn and boil in agony, to be forgotten forever. The pelican flourishingly flies upwards into the blue sky, flaps its majestic wings, and triumphantly cries:

“You fucking elitist douchebag.”

I’m sick and tired of hearing all this bullshit about how obscure bands are greater than so-and-so pop divas and mainstream music will never been respectable and blah blah blah. Taste is not a objective thing. There is no right and wrong.

Art is not an objective thing either. In art, there are no correct or incorrect answers. You can’t say that this kind of music is wrong. You violate the very laws (which I believe the only one is ‘Be creative’) of creative expression.

Yes, I have been to 4chan, specifically /mu/, the music board. Yes, I have seen their memes of Neutral Milk Hotel, Animal Collective and Radiohead hivemindedness. Yes, some of them are trolls. And yes, I know for a fact that they are elitists.

But still, a majority of /mu/tants are devoted fans of the teachings of the board. They follow its advice as if a guiding deity is showing them the light at the end of the tunnel. That light is not the outside though. You won’t find the answers to musical knowledge. That tunnel has a big, giant sign, hidden in the dark, saying ‘You tool.’ If you sacrifice that certain Kings of Leon song that is stuck in your head and try to supplement it with endless unknown prog-rock or post-hardcore, you are subjecting yourself to the very reason why this thinking exists.

Yes, Lady Gaga is a good artist. Yes, Lil’ Wayne knows how to sell albums. And yes, no matter how much you, I or everyone else hates it, BrokeNCYDE will make more money than most acoustic singer-songwriters. You know why?

Because people have some tastes that are different from others. Maybe it is shitty taste. Maybe BrokeNCYDE really deserves to go die in a hole. But fans will listen to them because taste cannot be stricken down as incorrect. You can’t fail a person’s musical preferences. If you try, nothing will come out of it. Trust me, I’ve tried.

You’ll have to sit back and let it steam for a while. Hopefully, like most musical movements, they go away. Maybe screamo-rap and jerking and all those other hated trends in music will fall off the pedestal of popularity and something greater will arise.

Don’t just go and say, “Mmhm, you like this music? Here’s a match. Burn yourself.” Chances are, you might find some similar music that you actually like. Say I find someone’s music playlist with 200GB of space. Say they have only 200 songs on there. But each song, even though there aren’t that many, has music that ranges from classical to rap to pop and jazz. I’ll prefer that person over any playlists that consists of absolutely no bands I have ever heard of. That doesn’t mean I won’t enjoy those bands, it just means that this person is consciously trying to separate themselves from the mainstream because they can’t get over the fact that sometimes music leaves us with things we may not enjoy. It’s high time this stopped.

Hypocrisy is how the internet runs today. You might find someone who says Lady Gaga is a transsexual whore, yet secretly he/she sings Poker Face in the shower. More often than not, people will get scared that they find out some music grows on them, or just starts off as catchy to their ears.

Don’t panic. Breathe a little. Rethink your options. If this music is good, and its not particularly a musical trend I like, what do I do?

The elitists will tell you, “Either never, ever go near this kind of music again, kill yourself so you never expose yourself to it, or download everything from this list of bands because I tell you to and because my musical tastes are right.”

And I’ll tell you the only thing I should be allowed to tell you.

If you like it, listen to it.

Aurally Audacious Endeavours: Caravan Palace

Originally I had planned to post this yesterday, but seeing as I had a plethora of random stories mixed with emergency, week-old news I thought worth blogging about, this post would have to wait for today.

It’s a shame, since this group should not be waiting to enter the ears of any willing participants. When I say genre-melding goodness, this is exactly what I mean. Electronic swing jazz. This group does it right, and mixes elements from genres that can actually co-exist with each other.

Step aside, screamo-rap, punk-pop, and industrial soul. Caravan Palace shows us how it’s done.

Not only is this video’s direction and creation a marvel in and of itself, the music works perfectly for a couple of reasons. One being that it’s swing jazz, and it naturally makes you want to get up and dance, albeit haphazardly and like a fool. Secondly, because this band is awesome. This kind of music is good for the soul, the step, and the sound we should be hearing over airwaves and in music players.

You can either succeed with a universal declaration of complete awesomeness or fail miserably into the depths of the critical cesspool of horrid banging-pots-with-cats noise when genre-melding. It’s not that fine a line. Clear distinction, and clear differentiation between the good and horrible genre-melders.

Caravan Palace belongs where, you ask?

Buy or download the friggin’ album so I don’t have to spoon-feed you opinions.

This is what music should be.

Daft Punk + DJ Hero = FLAWLESS VICTORY

Harder, Better, Faster, and possibly more awesome?

Obligatory slowpoke, etc, etc.

So, with the much (not really) anticipated DJ Hero coming to gaming consoles soon…or maybe it’s already out—I don’t know, I don’t follow these things very closely.

But anyways, with DJ Hero coming out, or possibly already released, music sim fans are up in arms at whether this means the start of the mass-produced, music-oriented gaming revolution, or another ‘cheap knock-off’ of the Guitar Hero and Rock Band franchises. 

What? The game’s developer is owned by Activision? Wait…oh. It’s a GH game expansion. That makes sense. Huh, don’t they feel dumb now.

MOVING ON:

HNNNGGGG—AH.

I don’t know what that sound is, but it describes the above picture as accurately as I can fathom. New press releases (like two weeks ago) and trusty Wikipedia have clarified that Daft Punk has crafted 11 songs for DJ Hero’s tracklist. Activision has also stated that the duo will be in-game playable characters.

Mmhm. You may squeal like a giddy fangirl now. This’ll help.

Daft Punk + Queen = TOO MUCH.

God, I want those jumpsuits. And QUEEN. WOW. I AM GOING TO EXPLODE.

Damn, I should really get on this news when it actually comes out.

Watch for DJ Hero in a gaming store near you! Now! Go!

Left 4 Dead – Fanfiction!

Part 2 of 2.

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They come fast. Running like rabid dogs toward the small shed. The grumbling has disappeared among the crazed screams and rabid growls of dozens of dark figures rushing towards them. Dried blood caked on their mouths. Limbs missing. Teeth broken and rotting. Eyes blank. No pupils. No life.

Bill rushes towards Francis and attempts to pull the slithering tongue from around his chest.

"Thing's too tight."

"Fuck, Bill, it's digging into my skin! Shit! AGH!"

A crack of bone. Bill looks around. Not enough time. The trees are bare. A coughing sound is close. Bill rushes towards the trees and sees a grotesque figure, face disfigured and mutated, smoke leaking though its mouth. Three shots. A dying cough.

The tongue loosens on Francis. Getting up fast, he takes the molotav and runs towards the shed, crowded with the undead.

"Throw it!" Zoey's voice can hardly be heard over the rapid gunfire. Several heads explode. Louis breaks the side window and shoves the glass out. "Come on, crawl in!"

Francis flicks a lighter and the damp rag grows into a small flame. One of them rushes at him, broken teeth bared and hands clawing at the air. Francis lays a right hook to the side of its face. A distinct snap can be heard as the zombie's head jolts to one side.

"Time to burn." Bill heads towards the window. Francis follows closely, chucking the molotav a few feet in front of the door. Several screams. Crackling of dead flesh. They do not stop.

Francis and Bill crawl through the open window and fall down to the cold ground. Francis holds his side. "Fuck, it's cracked."

"Here." Bill pulls a first aid kit from around his back.

The fire burns bright and illuminates the night. They see nothing but death. Cars lay along the road, some empty, some with bodies. More of the undead further along. Shambling aimlessly; no thought. No mind to speak of. Still, they have a purpose. One they have fulfilled.

The four of them sit against the walls of the shed, panting. Another battle won. Countless others to come. Trying to win a war that never ends.

"There, can you move your side?" Bill cuts a final piece of wrapping and pats Francis.
"Yeah, I'm good."

Zoey gets up and peers through the window once more. "Where'd the Boomer go?"

Louis looks at the roof of the shed. "And the Hunter."

The fire dies. Corpses litter the outside of the shed. The door remains half open. The four get up and stare outside. Zoey and Louis crouch and edge out the sides of the door. "Clear."

They stare down the empty road. A faint growling in the far distance.
Bill starts walking. "They'll be back."

The moon shines through the trees. Barren wilderness. The three others follow him. More will come.

They always do.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you don’t understand the context of which this story originates, you will not enjoy this story. See how I put this disclaimer after the end? Yeah, you just wasted your time. Don’t judge me.

ZOMBIES!

Left 4 Dead…fanfiction?! (Don’t judge me)

Wrote this a while back on Facebook's Notes application. No, I didn’t tag anyone. But yeah, humour me for a few minutes. Part 1 of 2.

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The room is black. Dim naked lights overhead flicker on and off. A cold breeze from a cracked window wafts in bringing the dead scent into the damp air of the shed. Someone coughs.

"Are they out there?" Louis speaks softly, almost a whisper, as not to wake what awaits them outside.

"What do you think?" Francis picks up a molotov and hangs it on his belt. 'Let's get this show on the road.'

"Hold on." Bill raises his hand wearily.

"What is it?" Zoey peers out from the small front window, only to see darkness and the darkness that smothers it.

"I hear it. A Boomer."

Francis joins Zoey at the window. A faint rumbling sound. Sloshing of bile and vomit. A gurgling and grumbling draws nearer.

"Fuck."

"Shit, what the hell are we still doing here then? The next safe room's only down the road!" Louis buries his head into his arms, clutching his rifle close to him. "Shit, shit, shit!"

The rumbling gets closer. The lights flicker. The breath of the four is the only sound for a brief moment.

A sudden jolt catches them off-gaurd. They crouch and look upwards. A light bursts.

"What the FUCK was that?" Louis raises his rifle towards the roof of the shed. A growling dominates the air. Soft pounds as whatever is above them stalks and waits. Bill's hand on Louis' shoulder eases his anxiety.

"Hold on, Louis. It's waiting for one of us to peek out."

"No, man. This is fucked. Just shoot it through the—"

"NO! You idiot! You wanna wake up half of them from the treeline?" Zoey points angrily towards the dark window. Faint movement past the other side of the road. A shambling of feet. The growling above them grows. The soft pounds stop. Grumbling in the distance.

"Well, what the hell do we do?!"

"Lure em'. One of us goes out, draws em' in, and three of us waste the assholes and then run."

"I assume you're the bait then, Francis?"

"Ah, these pussies? I can take em'."

The four glare at each other. The grumbling and growling seems to eminate from all sides, filling the air. Louis draws his sleeve and wipes sweat from his head.

"Ready?" Zoey sticks the barrel of the rifle through the small window. Bill grabs the door with cold, dry, trembling hands.

"From what I can tell, Boomer's hiding in the trees. That bastard above us is gonna come fast, hit you hard and knock you off your feet. Stay close to the door. Zoey'll get a shot off, and get the hell up fast before the Boomer knows what we're doing."

Francis gives a stern nod. Bill turns the knob at a painfully slow pace. Zoey keeps her sights at the empty road. Louis watches the roof. No more pounds. Just the haunting of growls and ambience of grumbling in the distance.

The door edges open. Francis rushes out.

"Hey, you motherfucker! Yeah, that's right! Fuckin' sneaky piece of shi--AH FUCK!'

A tongue shoots out of nowhere. Wrapping around. Fast as a snake. Francis starts dragging across the ground. "FUCKING HELP!"

"I'm too old for this shit!" Bill storms outside. "COVER ME!" The bullets start flying.

The horde come out. The grumbling gets louder. The growls grow stronger. The fight begins.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I’m gonna go play some L4D now. Part 2 coming soon.

PUNY BABIES.

lol, you thought this was a post about TF2.

Oh wait.

Shit.

!NEW UPDATE! (You're damn right I put an exclamation mark in front. Suck it.)

…and the biggest news is of course--

Super-sayan? Ubercharged? Slightly angry? You decide.

Whatever it is, it’s fucking awesome. (I <3 U VALVe)

Hey dude. Professional writer here. Step aside.

See: My stint with Professional (HA!) Writing from August to truly grasp the ironic awesomeness of this new development.

Found this in my Gmail thirty minutes ago:

“As we move forward, we like to pay you a token fee for your reviews from now on. We'll pay you $5 for any of your classic reviews ($10 for new reviews coming to the cinema that you might of seen in a pre-screening at least 48 hours in advance of its opening). This is just a small fee, but we hope you understand that as our site grows, so will the money. Right now we believe in you and thought that this gesture would help in you understanding that.”

Sweet.

“After $100 of reviews is added up we'll either send you a check or just transfer you the money in a quick PayPal exchange (we prefer this method).”

What does this mean?

Means I’m pro.

Yeah. Now you can bow down to me.

PS. Thank you WILDsound for graciously giving me this opportunity to be as awesome as you guys are.

Aurally Audacious Endeavours: Nero’s Day at Disneyland

A lot of the time, we encounter music or musicians that make us physically blurt out, ‘What the fuck?’ Whether it be the emergence of crab-core, jerking, screamo-punk, or something less…outlandish, the tendency to wonder what the hell you just experienced is commonplace now with the intarwebz surging through our computers faster and faster by the day.

‘WTF’ music has no concrete definition, nor should it. It can range to everything from insane genre-melding or incorporating beats or lyrics you never thought possible to incorporate. A perfect example would be the works of a man who retunes everything I knew about electronic music. He is insane.

Combining breakcore elements, experimental madness and sick IDM usage with samplings of God-knows-what, Nero’s Day at Disneyland does not fuck around.

He gave me the biggest ‘WTF’ ever, and not in the bad way. Far from it.

http://www.myspace.com/nerosdayatdisneland

Check out his EP Grievances and Dead Malls and his latest album, From Rotting Fantasylands.

You cannot define this man. If you try, your brain will explode.

Quality tumbling’s.

‘I should also inform you that I don’t care for intelligence in blogs. People who clutter their posts with their opinions, that are over written, appear pretentious, and I don’t want to be ‘that guy’. Great, your smart, so am I. Were all adults here, we can form our own opinions.’

This man hates me.

So do I. Read his ramblings. They’re good for the soul.

http://iwannablogtoo.tumblr.com/

Choose Your Own Adventure. Hilarity Ensues.

You know those ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ books? Sort of like interactive novels where you can choose where the story takes you? Yes? Then skip everything below this neatly dotted line.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

If you don’t know what I’m talking about,

WELL NOW YOU CAN EXPERIENCE WHAT YOU NEVER EXPERIENCED IN A WHOLE NEW EXCITING WAY!

For those unfamiliar, usually you have a book where the reading stops at some points and you have a multiple choice question to answer.

Say, like this:

You’re walking down the street to an ice cream parlour your friend recommended to you last week. Strange how you remembered such a note, as you seem to keep forgetting to feed your starving budgie and cleaning up your bathroom. You shrug off those thoughts and continue down the street towards the bright, swirling white sign shaped like soft-serve.

Once you get in there, your shoulders seem to sulk at spotting three leather-wearing, ripped-jean sporting, pierced faced punks devouring several ice cream cones at once. You give a slight stare until they notice, and head to the counter. Will you:

1) Order a medium cone of vanilla soft-serve? Go to pg. 20

2) Ask the three punks to share a seat with them and discuss the how they’re recovering financially from the recession? Go to pg. 78

3) Turn around swiftly, pull out your halberd, and slaughter the scumbags of society that are seated directly behind you? Go to Prison

…yeah. Pretty much along those lines.

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Anyways, once you find that kind of stuff boring, there’s really nowhere to go from there. No more adventures. Well guess what, folks? We’re in luck.

It’s ‘Choose You’re Own Adventure: IRL!’

http://www.mortonslist.com/2008/What_Is_ML/What_Is_ML.html

Well, what are you waiting for? GET THAT BOULDER ROLLING.

Aurally Audacious Endeavours: The Nextdoor Neighbors

Maybe a slight exaggeration of my sifting through links, clicks, and MySpace pages for the lesser-known musical talent that spills onto the Internet every so often.

Exaggeration or not, Aurally Audacious Endeavours covers the obscure, odd and original music that you may find yourself stepping over without a second thought. Give them a little love, and your ears will receive the same.

First on the docket, we have The Nextdoor Neighbors. Two friends. Two keyboards. Lo-fi folktronic at its best. Electro-folk-hop may be the next big thing.

Their album Magic Vs. The Machine is available at Bicycle Records.

Thanks to electrorash.com for their grabbing of this awesome duo.

Check those guys out at: http://electrorash.com/

10 Reasons Why You Should Watch…

dir. Neill Blomkamp

Starring Sharlto Copley, Robert Hobbs, Jason Cope

Ushering in a new era of sci-fi alien invasion cinema. The little movie that could. Tripling its budget in a mere weeks of opening, you damn well know what District 9 is. If you don’t, get reading. These are ten reasons why you should watch the best sci-fi of 2009 (so far).

10. It’s not Hollywood. So it can’t be shit to begin with anyways.

9. Peter Jackson & Neil Blomkamp. Producer & Director. Mentor & Protégé. Only one may be recognizable, but both represent quality filmmaking. Everything Peter Jackson touches seems to get famous. Neil Blomkamp’s babies will probably be computer-generated in some form or another.

8. Computer Generated Imagery. You’ll have trouble telling out the fake from the real. Hovering alien motherships, laser beams and appendages of all sorts. Real or CGI, it looks awesome.

7. Computer Generated Aliens. No, these aren’t real, but I wish they were. Their eyes are big and their claws are lobster-y. Their kids look freakishly adorable. ET meets The Fly meets…Monsters Inc.?

6. South African accents. ‘FOOK!’

5. Sharlto Copley. Pfff, who needs A-list actors? Just look at the guy.

What a stud.

4. Alien-powered biomechanical battle suits. With a gravity gun attachment.

3. People vaporizing into little bits. Pew pew! Pop!

2. Interspecies bromance. Not the prostitution, surprisingly. You can’t get more bromantic than a South African and an alien refugee laying waste to corrupt government headquarters. Shit gets real.

1. It’s not hard to understand, yet it’s still intelligent. Amidst all this vaporization of people and metamorphosis (what spoilers?), it doesn’t take a sociology professor to figure out what this film is about. Power to the Prawns, before they kill us all.

If you’re not convinced yet, I’m worried. You must see this film. Or else you will be spat at on the street and dumped in garbage cans! For your safety alone, watch it! NAO, before they tear you apart!

Tron + Daft Punk = COOL

Hmm, apparently this picked up about a month ago. So this is obligatory.

But without further adieu, the new theme song for the upcoming movie Tron: Legacy.

Whose soundtrack is scored by Daft Punk.

Awesome, you say? I agree.

Release date slated for December 17th, 2010. Don't miss it.

Movie Reviews from August

When I said I’d post Dawn of the Dead ‘in a while’ I probably should have been more specific. Who the hell cares. No one reads these anyways. Don’t judge me.

Dawn of the Dead (1978)

Falling Down (1993)

Interstella 5555: The 5tory of the 5ecret 5tar 5ystem (2003)

The Girl Who Leapt Through Time (2006)

Once (2007)

In Bruges (2008)

The Boys: The Sherman Brothers’ Story (2009)

I think I’m starting to figure it out. Humanity is a very brutal and violent species. I wonder if the right mind could change a whole lot with this rotting world. I can see the strings that control the system. I can see it all.

But whatever. No one reads this. If you are, then please read these reviews. I need the publicity.